We passed the anniversary of Michael's death and revival last Saturday. I made it through the day, but just as I predicted, I wasn't handling it well. I'd pulled back from life a bit in the last few weeks. I told myself, yesterday morning, that it was time for me to suck it up and get back to living again. I openly posted on Facebook, about having pulled back, thinking that putting it out there would spur me into action. Baby steps don't usually work for me. Usually I have to just throw myself back into the ring of life. That wasn't really the brightest choice this time. I suffered 2 panic attacks at work, the last pretty severe, and another extremely severe attack at home. The last attack at home left me sobbing and paralyzed on the floor, continuing a process I never let myself complete. I never allowed myself to grieve. That day in the ER, I was taken to a crisis room where I sat on the floor, crying and panicking. Once I found out that Michael was still alive, I shut it down. I pushed it down, because I had a job to do. It was now my job to listen, learn, and advocate for him. It was my job to make sure that, come hell or high water, he got to see our son graduate from high school. I said to myself, "I'll be damned if my son is going to grow up without a father." Looking back, I don't believe I would have done any of it differently. I did want needed to be done. I stepped up, I grew up, and I became the woman God made me to be. However, that grief had to come out at some point. That grieving woman who I left in the crisis room would no longer be pushed down and ignored. I finished what I didn't allow myself to finish that day. I cried, sobbed, and let all the grief, pain, and despair pour out of me. I didn't have any choice but to let her take over and continue grieving.
I'm better today. Lighter. The weight on my heart has lifted a bit. We have come full circle and I am grateful for the year that we've had. I know that this may not be the last time this happens, but at least I've started the grieving process again. I'm also having to, once again, accept that this is our life now. Getting a new heart will bring on a whole new set of problems...rejection, infection, and more. I just have to take it as it comes and lean on God. He is my source of strength.
For those of you who may stumble upon this blog, to all of you out there who are suffering quietly, who are being strong because you have no other choice, know that it will be ok. YOU will be ok. You will live. You will thrive. You will get through this. I'll leave you with a few quotes/verses that get me through the hardest times.
"On this day God wants you to know...that it's OK. Just rest for a moment. It's OK> Yes, things are crazy. Yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there in the core of your being, there is pure silence...pure love. And it's just...OK. <3" -given to me by a friend. Unsure of the origin.
"I see...a girl who has won a battle. A girl who appreciates those moments between maulings. A girl who knows all too well the dangers and pain around her, but who has made a conscious and complete decision to be furiously happy in spite of it all." -The Bloggess (I love this blogger!!)
My new favorite verse...
"No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.
— 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NRSV)
Thank you, Jesus, for bringing us through this life. I am forever grateful for each and every moment.
Love always,
Jamie
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