Hello again! I think I started this blog before I was really ready to share more about our new life and what we went through. I got caught up in trying to tell our whole story and I just wasn't able to really go there at the time. I think I'm coming to terms with that and will at some point (when I can actually talked through our experience without breaking down) figure out how to make a quick link to it. For now I'm going to actually use this as a place to work through my other feelings. :)
I feel the need to talk about books. I know it doesn't seem to have anything to do with LVADs, but they play a huge part in my life and they have been been pretty significant in our LVAD life this week.
As a kid, I HATED to read. Did you have those readers that you'd bring home and you had to read the stories in them? Then you'd get points or stickers for your progress through the semester?? I did. I hated them. It was like pulling teeth to get me to read through those things, yet my best friend could read through one entire book in a couple of evenings. Oh how I envied her!!! I wanted to be able to sit down and read for hours at a time, but it was such a chore for me.
I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in my early teens I put my nose in a book and I was changed. I could read for hours on end, and finish a paperback in one sitting. I went through books like water and my parents often complained about how quickly I was able to finish a book. My Dad would give me his John Grisham books when he finished them and I would burn through them. Finally he got frustrated and decided there was absolutely no way I could read that quickly and retain the information in the story. He sat me down and actually quizzed me on the book we'd both read. I smugly answered every question correctly and he had to admit that yes, I really am reading EVERYTHING. :D
Books became a way for me to travel to new places, experience new feelings, and meet new people. As I got older, I realized how much I could learn from books. They could show me new viewpoints and teach me new things. I would become so engrossed in a book, I couldn't hear anyone talking to me. I remember reading a book about what life would be like after a nuclear bomb hit America. I was so entrenched in the story, that when I got up to use the restroom, for a split second, I told myself there was no working toilet...just like in the book.
As I got older, I didn't have as much time to read, especially after having Tre, but I was always in the middle of a book. If I wasn't, I was on the look out for a new one. I will just about anything and will almost ALWAYS finish a book, even if I hate it. My reading time became my "me time". At time to get away and forget the real world, and my responsibilities for a while.
When Michael went into the hospital, I needed a way to cope. Right or wrong, I dove into my books again. I'm pretty sure I spend hundreds of dollars, during those 3 months, downloading book after book to my iPad. It's a good thing Michael didn't take over the finances until a lot later, and he never saw those charges. LOL!
If I had a series I was going to read, I'd make sure I had the next book downloaded before I even finished the current book. I was like a drug addict. I couldn't stop myself. I NEEDED to get away from the emotional roller coaster we were on. Without those books, I would have certainly had a breakdown.
Despite my love and need for books, when we came home, I stopped reading all together. I couldn't read a single story. Not even a short story. I would try to pick up a book, but nothing, not even my all time favorite book (Outlander) could hold my attention. It was as if I had SO MUCH going on in my heart, I couldn't bring myself to invest in anything. Not even a fictional character. For 3 months, my Kindle app stayed closed.
This week, for the very first time, I felt the "need" to read again. I felt like I could take interest in a story again. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me, to know I've been reunited with that love. I think it means that I'm finally, Finally, beginning to heal. I've been carrying so much fear, anger, and uncertainty around in my heart. I've had to give SO MUCH to everyone else, that I had nothing left for myself at the end of the day. I don't know what triggered this change, but I feel like I've finally taken the first step back to normal. Or LVAD normal anyway. ;)
I still have a LONG way to go in my road to emotional recovery, but at least I can say that I've taken that first step. Welcome back Jamie. You've come a long damn way. Thank God you made it!
